WOW! December 2018. Merry Christmas!
SIX months since I last made an entry! My bad! My life seems to be moving forward at “WARP” speed. Again. Not sure if that is good or bad!
My life has returned to pretty much its’ old self. which is perhaps why I am not journalling as often. I turn around and the day/week has simply dissolved.
The Tamoxifen that I take daily seems to be more of an inconvenience than a problem…..no side effects that I can point to as being “completely unacceptable”. I always had chin hairs; often had night sweats; usually had a hard time managing my weight; never could do a sit-up……
I have started doing Pilates Yoga and TRX. TRX stands for Total Body Resistance Exercise. “Yes!” They said. “TRX training helps to lose weight! It’s an intense workout that will help you to build and tone muscles, but you’ll also lose fat so that these muscles will be more visible. … the muscles you build will burn more calories between workouts!”
I have no idea why I believe this when “they” couldn’t even get the acronym right….But I tried to find an image of “TRX and fat woman” but happily they don’t exist. So sign me up, Scotty!
Then I am told that Tamoxifen will “inhibit muscle growth”. The fucker. I do feel the stretch (sometimes uncomfortably) under my left arm pit where the lymph node was removed. I wonder if TRX would be even harder if I had had more nodes removed.
Just to be clear. THIS mage is not me. (HAHAHAHA! Like I had to tell you.)
Here I am…or at least it is likely how I appear in class. As God is my witness. I think it is because my outfit and sneakers do not match the straps. Or maybe because my boobs are off balance. Nah. I’ll go with the colour coordination failure.
But I DO feel “stronger”. Whatever THAT means…. I wish I could mesh the physical with the mental. People keep asking me …. “How ARE you”? (STILL with the head tilt). “GREAT”! “FABULOUS”! “NEVER BETTER”! I can’t bring myself to tell them what is often the truth.
Inside, I often feel older, more tired, and a bit anxious. The old “after cancer treatment” remnants still linger, I fear…..
I realize that my “time” with my Tamoxifen is ticking away. I will meet with the oncologist and be “switched” to a new medication in about a year. I wonder if I will have as little “problem” with the new one.
I keep my hair wicked short, and rather chuckle when people who barely know me say” “Wow! your hair is starting to grow back in!” (It has been 2 years. I have a black-humored heart, I know.)
I realize that this coming spring will signal three years (!!) since my diagnosis. It seems a long way in the past but also seems like only a few weeks ago.
As the Christmas season speeds by, I am trying to slow down my mental processes enough to recognize and be thankful. A hard thing to do when assaulted continuously with the “Material Merry Christmas Messages” that bombard us starting in October. I want to think about “my life experience” a little more deeply and see what makes my days ( that fly by) worth remembering at the end of the year. Or at the end of my life. I want to try and extend myself a bit more so that those “worthwhile” memories are more abundant.
See what it is that I am missing and understand what I can change.
I recognize and am thankful that I am surrounded with blessings all year long and that most of them come in “angel” form. Souls who touch mine when it cries to be touched and souls who need mine to touch/soothe/tickle theirs from time to time.
I recognize that it is more often than not a wonderful world I live in and I’m glad and thankful I am still here.
So dear Santa, you can feel free to not worry about what I “want” or ” need” for Christmas this year. I recognize that I have enough money to buy the colour coordinated TRX outfit, and am thankful that I prefer not to.
I’ll get that “sit up” done on my own, eventually. And if I don’t? I’ll still be OK.
PS: I got to get a photo this summer that made my day! Even better that Mom took it.